Shiva Call - Visiting Mourners

Joshua C. Karlin | Jewish Rituals, Ritual Checklists, Shiva | Thursday, March 29th, 2007

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Four or five years ago, while I was the Director of Development and Endowment at the Jewish Federation of Rhode Island, I visited many mourners during the shiva period. I went not only because I cared, but because I was a representative of the community and I thought it important that all those who could not go or did not know how or why to go, were somehow represented. With that said, there is no greater mitzvah than to comfort a mourner, and the good news is that your mere presence is a comfort.

In fact, last week I received a visit from someone I know in the community. We are not friends, but we know each other enough to smile and say hello. We know who each others kids are, but we have never socialized or even shared a meal. She stopped by and sat with me for 45 minutes until a bit after another visitor arrived. We talked about my mom. She asked and I talked. I can’t express enough how much more meaningful that was than sitting alone. Everyone has the ability to provide that comfort. All it takes is your presence.

On the visits I made I saw a variety of people and a variety of behaviors. There is no right or wrong for the mourners. Part of the early grief and the rituals surrounding it are to allow the mourners to withdraw from society and not act within the social norms. We don’t wear shoes, we don’t shave (in ancient times when beards were common, mourners did shave to differentiate themselves), we sit on the floor or low stools. we cover the mirrors and don’t groom ourselves, and we don’t leave the house during shiva. On the other hand, there is appropriate conduct for visitors.

I created the following sign to be placed on the door of a house of mourning to educate visitors before they enter. I present it here and ask for your comments. Just click on the word “Comments” at the end of the post and add your own. Tell me that it is not worded correctly, or tell me what is missing or what should be changed in your opinion. I will incorporate changes into a new PDF file to be posted on this site for all to use. It may be easier to view it as a PDF currently instead of how it will be formatted within this post. You may access the .pdf by clicking on this Shiva Call Checklist.

House of Mourning

Door is unlocked.

Please enter without knocking or ringing the bell

Please take a moment to read this short briefing on traditional Jewish etiquette for a visit to a house of mourning

Shiva (the initial 7 day mourning period) is a time when the community has the opportunity to comfort the mourners. During this time, the mourners are to be treated as guests in their own home, not as your hosts.

Do While Visiting Mourners

Come in. Your presence alone is support to the mourners.
Let the mourners start the conversation
Let the mourners talk about the departed
Share your stories and talk about the deceased;
Let the family mourn, let them cry, or even let them smile, with no expectations of their emotions during your stay. It’s a long day and a long week.

Don’t While Visiting Mourners

Feel as though you must say something. Your presence alone is comforting. Nothing you say can take away the pain.
Try to distract the mourners with idle talk.
Engage in frivolous discussions with other visitors.
Stay too long (an hour is plenty)
Say hello or goodbye. The traditional words at the end of a “shiva call” are “May God comfort you among all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.”